7. Pivoting in Difficult Times

In today's episode, Cory and Chris talk with WCA Program Director, Dr. Beronica Salazar, on how the COVID-19 pandemic impacted our work and the importance of reaching out to friends and family members during difficult times.

If you or someone you care about have experienced domestic, dating or sexual violence please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or one of the WCA's 24-hour hotlines at 208-343-7025 or 208-345-7273.

Follow us on social media!
@wca_boise

For more information and resources, check out these websites!
wcaboise.org
lovisrespect.org

Want to hear a specific topic? Contact us at outreach@wcaboise.org

Transcript

Intro: 0:01

Welcome to what compassion accomplishes a podcast dedicated to sharing information, ideas and resources about domestic abuse and sexual assault. The topics discussed in this podcast, including survivor stories, supportive services, and domestic abuse or sexual violence can be difficult. And we urge you to listen with care. Our hosts are not licensed counselors or mental health professionals. If you or someone you care about have experienced domestic dating, or sexual violence, please call the WCA 24 hour hotline at 208-343-7025 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. You can also find more resources in the description of this podcast.

Cory Mikhals: 0:52

Hi this is Cory Mikhals and welcome once again to what compassion accomplishes. And this week, I'm so excited once again to have Chris Davis communication manager with the WCA. In along with Dr. Salazar, Program Director, ladies, thank you once again for being here and being on the podcast.

Dr. Beronica Salazar: 1:15

Thank you for inviting us, it's a great opportunity to have these important conversations

Cory Mikhals: 1:20

it is. And this is one that's a conversation that a year ago that we never thought we would need to have. But there's been a lot of that as our world changed over, you know, the last year plus. And that was the effect of the pandemic, not just financially on our world, not just in all the ways that we see and think about, but the ways like abuse, because in the ways of for a mom for kids, a lot of times going to school for the kids that was their, that was their break. That was their way to get away from whatever the situation for the mom, whether it was going to work, or when the spouse went to work, whatever the dynamic was, that was the break at least. And all of a sudden these stay at home orders and there wasn't that break. And so I would have to assume that the numbers sadly went up. A lot.

Chris Davis: 2:29

Well the numbers went up too. And I think we'll we're gonna open this up a lot because and turn it over to Dr Salazar. Because not only did sh see what we saw at the WCA, sh also has an extensive experienc with mental health services, bu so you're losing access t people who can help you an observe what's going on. But yo lose access to support services So in support networks, and jus people to notice if something' going on or for you to talk to So you're losing, maybe you'r losing access to going to work but you're not going to churc and not going to the gym, o going to the grocery store, o to the library or so it' twofold. Your your spouse, you partner may not be going to wor but even for if you're you're a elder person, and you're livin at home with your young, o younger children or famil members, and you're not going t you know when they the cancelled all non essentia health procedures. So you ma not be going in for a checkup o B, vitamin B shot or physica therapy or there, there are s many situations across the boar where touch points for receivin support or for somebody t notice if something wa happening, or I think if th stress is starting to percolat though, those people who ar living essentially pressur cookers. And that over th course of how many months no 14/15 even just here where w are in Idaho, but across th globe where things started t really rise earlier than that And now so we're in April, an it is in the red zone in Indi now. I mean, they're rushing, think is it I hear or is stil really bad. I don't know if i really is still really bad. Bu I think there are still place in around the world in Afric and India where people are stil living in very dangerou situations because of th pandemic. And so so we kno people are still still to thi day right now. In thos situations s

Cory Mikhals: 4:25

Well and Dr. Salazar This is something that during that time and and something Chris just said that. that struck me is for those that maybe there hadn't been abuse yet. But the pressure cooker that Chris just mentioned, where someone maybe is right on that kind of edge of abuse and I would have to think that then the situation the stress the the stay at home orders, all of those things, loss of jobs, alcoholism, all of that had to really just explode in a lot of new cases.

Dr. Beronica Salazar: 5:12

Well, I think one of the questions that has come up early on is trying to figure out did the pandemic actually is causing this? And I think in the earlier research, what we've been finding is that not necessarily that the pandemic is a cause, because the pandemic does not equivalent with an abuser. Instead, I think one of the things that we've been seeing is that it just exasperates some of those things that are happening in the homes. And I think what was also alarming is that early on, there was some appropriate discussions about how do we manage this in regards to get hand sanitizers get cleaning supplies, all of these things, and the social aspect of that in the mental health aspect was completely missed. And I think when I think about your question, that's really what was happening, the focus and energy was so much so in that area, which we were almost blindsided by these other dynamics that were happening in the homes. And yes, it absolutely added because there's an extended stress level. Some people very appropriately responded. But unfortunately, we saw many people, they went to what they're automatic square, and unfortunately, resulted in much more domestic abuse in the homes.

Chris Davis: 6:38

And I want to make a comment to Cory, because I think you brought up a really, really important point. That isn't it's, I think it's outside of the question about the pandemic, which is about substance abuse, and substances and domestic violence. And we hear that a lot, because I do a lot of public speaking and a public interaction, not during the pandemic, I've missed that. But that's a big part of my job is to talk to people about it and educate. And one of the things that I say a lot is that domestic violence is not caused by alcohol, it is not caused by drugs. Getting drunk doesn't make you abuse people. Being high doesn't make you abuse people, yes, it can cause situations, you can do stupid things that you're really embarrassed for, and you need to, you know, be accountable for that, and make apologies, and you're not always going to be forgiven, you know, you're not, and you may be legally responsible for really bad choices you make, but they don't make you an abusive person, you have those tendencies and you make choices. It's abuse is about power control, sexually assaulting something is about doing something that you choose to do without the consent of someone else. So you did not obtain consent. And yeah, you know, it gets a gray area. And that's a larger discussion when you're both under the influence. And that's a different podcast, which will help you we can direct you to, but substance substances can and again, this is a much bigger conversation, they can exacerbate situations and during the pandemic, they certainly have, they don't cause someone to be an abuser. And that's very commonly a misnomer and a myth that people make use as an excuse. Well, my father, partner, son, and mother, whatever, is a drunk, and that's what made them an abuser. And that's something we work really hard to correct that myth. And, and, you know, I'll turn it back to Dr. Salazar, because I'm sure she has a lot more information on that.

Cory Mikhals: 8:35

Well, and but I think, Dr. Salazar to Chris's point there, when, you know, the old saying you when someone goes, I was just drunk. I didn't mean to say that. You go, No, you you meant it, it just sober, you could suppress that desire to say it, and all it did was just, you know, loosen up your inhibitions, but you really did mean it. So the same type of thing. I would, you know, abuse, any of those things that are going to come out when when a person is drunk, they're all in there, they're bubbling under the surface. Maybe that was just the way that it allowed it to come out.

Dr. Beronica Salazar: 9:22

Um, I think for me that that's definitely the inhibitions is a component of that, that they do, decrease. One of the things that we also saw within the pandemic is that all of those when it comes to mental health, substance abuse, and even other chronic illnesses, with a pandemic, it naturally created this can exasperated and issues among that in one of the things as we're reflecting back and I think we're learning now about what happened and what kinds of things do we need to do different From that, what we found is that what was really happening at the core was the social determinants. So social determinants really are what speak into what helps us be healthy. And one of the things we also discovered is that individuals that maybe had like, let's say, for example, we're talking about substance abuse, maybe they had work that they could go to. And because of their jobs, their substance abuse was not that I'm okay in it. But it was less than because they were actually actually engaged in work. But what happened with a pandemic, people were pulled from their jobs. So then what are you naturally going to see, again, that's one of the social determinants, job loss was a significant thing early on, and some people are still struggling, I know some things are opening up, the reality is, those factors are still in there. And what we know about substance abuse, chronic illness, mental illness, is that things get worse and worse, and it's hard to go back. And I think that's really what we're going to be seeing long term. So this is not going to be let's open the doors and things are better, there's really going to be some significant things that are going to prolong, I would say I think in some of the literature that we've been reading and discovery, best guesses is around two to three years after we open up, we're still going to be recovering. So in we're not there yet even

Cory Mikhals: 11:33

No we're barely scratching the surface at this point. And I've seen it even just with with friends of mine, where they've lost the job to to COVID, lost their home lost their 401 Ks lost, you know, lost so much in just this short amount of time. And then just all of a sudden, even after the stay at home order was over, we're just sitting in their home in the dark, and it sucked all the life out of them. And that is that's been that's been tough to see. And I think for me with one, one of my, one of my best friends in particular, that I started going over there, you know, every day, even, even when the you know, we were in deeper in the pandemic, and I'd stand on the porch while he was inside. And you know, we talked for half an hour through the screen door, you know, and but remember to do that because people that are that do have anxiety already that have depression that have mental illness that are maybe a friend that you had already been suspecting that there was abuse, just stop by every once in a while, you know, and I still now I'll stop by almost everyday call every day, I do but try and stop by at least every day for a little while, sometimes longer just to have the connection. And I can also see how he's looking that day. So just remember that when if you have the friends that you're concerned about, whether it's depression, mental health, abuse, that you're going by, and you're just reach out check on them, because they might not have it in them anymore to reach out themselves.

Chris Davis: 13:45

I think that's a really great point there. And with any of those things that I think studies tell us that quite often they're co occurring things. So if you've got depression, you do mate, you know, everybody's everybody, you all the headlines are telling us, right? We're all drinking a lot more, we're exercising less, we're eating more, or binge watching shows, I can tick off a couple of boxes there. I've seen everything that I want to watch on Netflix, and then I switch back to Hulu. And then I go to amazon prime. And this is commonly you know, before any meaning like What are you watching? What do you and I look at you across the table here because we just had that conversation, what shows Oh, that's a good show, okay, I'm going to make a note here, because and we couldn't go to the gym, and we couldn't do and you know, then I get tired of doing things at home on my own. I'm a social person. And we live in a place where we have four great seasons. But several of those seasons are dark and rainy and cold. And so it's hard to get outside. And when you get outside, you can't be close to people. You're trying to be safe. And so that impacts that as well. So we know that a lot of times things are co occurring. And so when you can't be close to people and you're scared of germs and you don't know who's safe or if you're you're not sure what to say. And in the world we live in where we know That's pretty common, that people who are experiencing any kind of unhealthy dynamic, any kind of abuse, any kind of mental health crisis, or any kind of mental health uncertainty, the last thing they want us for anybody to know about it, right? If they're having financial insecurities, especially in this country, that's the last thing they're gonna want to share with anyone. So we know that a lot of our neighbors and our friends and our family members are experiencing, they can tick off those boxes, too. You know, they may be doing these things to cope, but they're also experiencing a lot of those things. I know a lot of people I care about are experiencing those I started trying to reach out pulling together different groups of people, what are we going to do? How are we going to take care of one another, as relationships have crumbled, of people have gotten sick, as I'm watching on Facebook, and just starting to see people's loved ones getting sick and going to the hospital and dying or whatever causes of marriage is falling apart of kids trying to graduate school and going you know, all these amazing life things, and hurtful life things and happening and we're in our look, we're doing it alone through glass. But then what we are seeing at the WCA and what our counterparts even just here in our area are seeing across the board, we're reporting higher rates, because that's that's because people are at home. And the occurrences, the lethality, the fear, the danger, I think has become point that people are having to reach out. And I think I want to circle back to something you said Dr. Salazar, it's not that the amount of domestic abuse is increasing. It's the number of people who are saying I can't take this anymore, I can't handle it, or I'm scared that I'm going to die. You know, I'm scared that we can't, we're not going to survive this anymore. Because they're stuck at home. That's what my suspicion is, I don't know about you. So I don't think it's more, I think it's, there's just nothing else to distract it, there's no escape, they can't leave. Either the abuser or the person who is receiving that abuse are the kids that can't leave, there's nowhere to go. I hope if you're listening to this podcast, and you think about somebody, if this sparks anything in your mind, that makes you think about a neighbor or a friend, someone you know, or you haven't heard from in a while, or just changes in behavior for anybody that that just makes you think something might be going on or just makes you think about an old friend that you miss, or you'd like to reconnect with. That's, that's the silver lining in all of this, that that makes us maybe value relationships and think about one another. So hopefully, you can reconnect and find deeper meaning but also, if you you know, if you're concerned about somebody, that is what you can do, and everybody, everybody listening to this, everybody you talk to about this, if you're hearing this, you can make a difference. And you can change the culture and the community around you, just by having a conversation, reaching out, go stand on the porch, and have that conversation, send a text and keep sending it make a phone call, actually, and if somebody doesn't pick up, keep calling,

Cory Mikhals: 18:11

yeah. And if you can, if you're close enough with them to be able to do like a FaceTime call, or something like that, so that you can actually see their eyes. Cuz it's a lot easier to fake your voice than it is to fake, you know, your face. And I don't mean just signs of abuse as far as bruising. But you can see in someone's eyes, if they're defeated. If the life their life light is just kind of sucked out. You can see all of those those things and put that together with the voice. If you can, like Chris was saying a lot of times, it's hard just to get them to pick up, let alone get them to do that. But if you can do it, check, check on them. And I know it's tough because all I have my days where I get my, my dark moments, and my life is great. But you know when with all the negative news, even as we're coming, starting to come out of the pandemic, there's still times where it's tough to keep up the positive,

Chris Davis: 19:21

it's overwhelming.

Cory Mikhals: 19:23

attitude. So it's then tough to think about reaching out to someone else. And and I realized I think that is the biggest thing that I've realized that year plus in is forcing ourselves to keep connected with the people we love. And I realized how many people I adore, that I hadn't seen. I hadn't seen their faces in over a year. Some of them I hadn't talked to in that time. And that's that's sad because right now the one thing we still do have is each other

Chris Davis: 19:59

I'm missing. I'm missing people's faces. I miss hugs. I miss giving people hugs so badly.

Cory Mikhals: 20:04

Oh, I'm a hugger. So that's been brutal. Yeah. But so that's the, that's the biggest thing is you will help yourself by by getting yourself up and checking on those people you love. Trust me, it's gonna help you in the process too. And, you know, we'll we can we can make it through this, but it is going to take all of us together.

Dr. Beronica Salazar: 20:30

Absolutely. And I think when I think about that, you're so correct, Cory, I think it's twofold. For the individual that's reaching out to the other person, it can be just as meaningful to them, as it is gonna be for that person receiving that Hello, that gesture. And one of the things that we've been seeing within the WCA, is again, I think Chris talked about a Yes, a huge number of calls coming in. And sometimes individuals just want to have that conversation. So for all of you that are out there, there's opportunity for you to grow and also connect, but then also to make meaningful impact. I think often times we forget, and it feels like this huge thing that we can do anything. And we can.

Cory Mikhals: 21:22

Now Dr. Salazar, your, if someone, if someone said that, hey, I tried to reach out to this friend of mine, I'm concerned. But I called and they just said no, no, I'm fine. Life's good. And basically cut it real short and hung up. But you still no, no things aren't right? How do I do that? Now, they just already told me they're, they're fine. Not that they blew me off. But you know, or they didn't answer the phone. And I called a couple of times and left messages. What's the next step? Do I keep calling?

Dr. Beronica Salazar: 22:03

So I think what's really important is that, for both of you, when you're reaching out, I think it's a great benefit to that individual. But if you're concerned about somebody else, put it on you just this is important for me, I feel like I need to connect with you too. So not just about them. Because the idea is, how do we open that door, that's really what you're trying to do open that door for that other person. And what it might look like it might look a little bit different. Sometimes it might look like a phone call. Other times in my look like a gentle note, I think many people have thought about creative ways to connect, including snail mail, I think we forget that. Especially when people are writing that note and what that might mean, and how that can open the door. Remembering that even when you think the person is not hearing you, I'm gonna be honest, for me, I've seen it both in the work that I've been doing is people are listening, listening, even when you do not think they're listening. So what you say does matter, and you can make a difference.

Chris Davis: 23:16

I think that's beautiful. I tell you, I've gotten a few cards in the mail, like mailed it to me with a stamp. And that is, that's been a really fun thing to get actually in my mailbox. And that's new, I do actually have a friend from high school who we send each other birthday cards every single year and have since we moved away from living right next to each other. And that's always really fun every year. And people think that's the weirdest thing in the world. But we do it every single year and going on I won't I won't publicly say how old I am. But I've gotten a lot of cards. And that's a fun thing. But now getting more cards and we've started to these other high school friends of mine now we've kind of picked it up a little bit, some of them and that's kind of a fun thing with fun colored cards and stickers. And I would suggest you do that just surprise somebody.

Cory Mikhals: 24:03

Well, even this my middle daughter, a lot of times she will hand write me a note or a letter, take a picture of it. And she'll text me the picture of her handwritten letter so that I knew she took the time to write I got to see her handwriting. I know that's her to send me a note just to say Hi, love you, thinking of you or something like that? And you know what it does, it makes my day, she could have said the exact same thing in a regular text and I still been like, oh I get to hear for my baby. But there's something that takes it up that next notch when that person took the time to write this note. So if you think it needs to get to them sooner than what snail mail can can do. Then even doing that just adding that personal touch. Or give them a quick video with everyone's phone, you can do it now a little selfie video right in your text, it gives you the option to, to hit the camera and either take a picture or take a short video and just go, Hey, just thinking about you is a beautiful Dave's out here in the sun.

Chris Davis: 25:20

I'm sending my husband a picture of all of us.

Cory Mikhals: 25:21

Oh okay, we're waving to

Chris Davis: 25:26

Famous now. See, it's that easy.

Cory Mikhals: 25:27

And then maybe even just bring up a old fond memory, hey, it's such a great day. Remember, when we went down to the greenbelt that one time and you fell in the river, whatever. But again, just have that personal connection, keep that alive, because that was the biggest thing we lost. And the biggest thing we need to, in my opinion, achieve, again, is healthy personal connections.

Dr. Beronica Salazar: 25:53

Absolutely. And we don't want to wait till things open up. We want to do it now. And that's what I tell people in the community is don't wait for things to go back, do it within the context of what we have, because we have that need for each other. And I think it's a wonderful way if, as we started the conversation and thinking about domestic abuse, and now it's on all of us to be having those conversations to be reaching out to gain awareness, to make those connections. And if we're noticing, then figuring out ways that we can be supportive to that other individual, but definitely going out there and connecting that's has to be our priority.

Cory Mikhals: 26:36

I agree. And we have as always here in the description. You've got the WCA hotline, you've got the national hotline, and other links for you to be able to check out for information and tips as well. Well, ladies, thank you so much once again for being on.

Chris Davis: 26:57

Thank you Cory.

Dr. Beronica Salazar: 26:58

Thank you.

Cory Mikhals: 26:58

and thank you for listening to what compassion accomplishes.

Intro: 27:03

Thank you for listening to this episode of what compassion accomplishes. Again, if you or someone you know has experienced domestic abuse, dating or sexual violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or the WCA's 24 hour hotline. 208-343-7025